The rest of it

Now, where was I? Oh yeah, Nepal. Well it was a bit too cold to do any more trekking there and I was sick of the noise and hassle of Kathmandu so I decided to leave, although I did spend a night with a friend in a kids' orphanage in suburban Kathmandu. Not because someone thought I was an orphan and took me in by mistake, it was something I actually wanted to do. Anyway, after very cleverly leaving my credit card in an ATM and not discovering this fact until just before I flew out, I somehow managed to scrape by and made my way to Bangkok. I have now come to the conclusion that the definition of luxury travel is when you don't have to supply your own toilet paper. Thus I decree Thailand to be a luxury travel destination. Nepal, Tibet and Cambodia, to name a few, are not luxury travel destinations.

A very interesting thing about Thailand is the sex trade. One Bangkok street had heaps of bars where every single punter was coupled-, or even tripled-, up with young Thai girls. Of course, every single punter was an old western bloke. No, I don't mean a grizzly character from an old western movie, I mean . . . oh never mind, I'm sure you know what I mean. It was a bit ewww. Actually, it was quite a bit ewww. Hmmm, on second thoughts maybe I better not be too harsh, it could well be me in thirty years time when I'm old, sad and desperate and the classified ads in the local rag no longer cut the mustard. Just in case that eventuates I made a mental note of where that street was so I can easily find it again. Still, I bet the dirty perves have a secret society replete with a pecking order, secret handshakes, knowing winks and glances, and inside jokes and phrases. Boy I can't wait to be a part of it! Also when I was in the 'Kok I saw a great DVD for sale: Strippers vs Zombies. That has to be the ultimate contest where no-one really cares who wins, sport is the true winner on the day.

From Thailand I went to the temples at Angkor in Cambodia, and on the first day there got food poisoning and spewed up on an ancient relic. Covered the place in barely-digested rice and chicken. A dog came over and started eating what I couldn't keep down. Good ol' dogs eh? Always willing to do anything for a laugh. I remember our old dog once ate some cow shit, spewed it up, then ate her own spew again. And of course they always want to lick your face! I draw the line at that, but do let them lick my ear. Just to confirm that was 'ear' not 'rear', in case any of you have any crass thoughts.

What else did I do? Oh yeah, when I was in Cambodia I visited the Killing Fields where almost 20 000 people were murdered in a handful of years back in the 70s, although it was impossible to reconcile the horrific past with the pleasant day I experienced. Beautiful blue sky, a few clouds, some birds tweeting, people chatting amiably and the distant rumble of traffic all proving that life goes on. There was even what sounded like a distant ice cream van playing a jaunty ditty. I must admit though that nothing can compare to Auschwitz which was cold, grey, deathly deathly silent and by far the most disturbing day I have ever experienced.

Leaving Cambodia I headed to Vietnam, and on the bus from Phnom Penh to Ho Chi Minh City we were tortured by several appalling karaoke videos one after the other. I much prefer the Mr Bean fare they have on long-distance Croatia buses. Hang on a sec, our Cambodian driver's putting on a Mr Bean video too! Hurrah! It's the one where he goes back to school; y'know, the kiddie gets covered in blue powder, Mr Bean goes to a life-drawing class and at the end his Mini gets crushed by a tank. Classic comedy crossing cultural chasms.

In 'Nam I chilled out in a quaint old town, then spent many a day in a small town in the mountains where I discovered my travel insurance had been invalid since I bought it. So I spent a fair while writing a biting complaint letter and they agreed to refund my money. Yay for complaining, boo for stupid people. Of course that wasn't much use to me after my iPod was nicked in Bangkok, but at least I hadn't broken my leg halfway up some Nepali mountain which required expensive rescuing.
One of the last things I did was go for a swim in Ha Long Bay amongst the karst islands and it was so good that I went for three more. A highlight of the whole trip. Basically the last month involved many bus rides, plane rides, overnight train rides, taxi rides, moto rides and tuk-tuk rides, the perspiration of many litres of sweat, the scratching of dozens of mozzie bites and the doling out of exorbitant amounts of cash to people who ripped me off before I finally found myself in London. Which is where I am right now, and I plan to be here for a little while yet.