Like falling over a parked car

So, where were we last time? Oh yes, I was just about to watch the Gemany v Ecuador game. Well I watched it with a German mate of mine (who incidentally has just texted me to say that he is looking out his office window at the Socceroos milling about outside their hotel. Apparently they are in Stuttgart on holidays now. Sniff.) and afterwards went into the centre of Stuttgart (Stutters, or The Gart as I prefer to call it) and it was full of Germans taking pride in being German. I can remember four years ago when they made it to the final of the world cup, and there were celebrations, cars doing blockies beeping horns, plenty of flags and dancing and chanting, but it was nothing compared to this. The main drag outside the Hauptbahnhof (or as I prefer to call it, The Haupt) was full of cars decked in German flags, and every single one of them had the horn blaring. Another main street, Theodor-Heuss-Strasse (The Heuss) was absolutely jam-packed with people. What is normally a very busy four or six lane highway had been transformed into a German mosh-pit. There was no traffic, it was simply a parking lot packed full of people chanting and waving German flags. Ace. And to think that they had only made it to second round, I can't wait to see what happens if they get to the next round!

After that game I went to Schlossplatz to watch the evening England v Sweden game. There were quite a few English fans about, and the square was very busy once more, although I didn't see any chairs being thrown, which was nice. After the game about forty Aussie fans gathered down the front singing Oz songs. Some poms came over and tried to compete, but we drowned them out with "I'd rather be an aussie than a pom" and "3-1 in your own backyard" (we beat them 3-1 in London a few years ago). They actually had the final say with "where have all the Aussies gone", but by that time we'd gone to a pub to get more beer.

By Wednesday the Aussie presence in The Gart had built up noticeably. There were quite a few more gold shirts wandering the streets, and a couple of flags draped from windows. I had bought my flag and shirt the week before, but by Wednesday Stutters had practically sold out of Oz paraphernalia, there were scores of desperate Aussies trying to buy shirts, flags and scarves, but the cupboard was bare. That evening I went to a very Oz BBQ in the park, and then headed to my old Wednesday night haunt when I used to live here, the English pub quiz. I was walking up the stairs towards the pub when I noticed a bloke wearing a Socceroos' t-shirt playing with his kid, and I thought he looked a bit like Super Timmy Cahill.
No, hang on - it IS Super Timmy Cahill. And there's "Aloisi Johnny Aloisi, Aloisi he's a Socceroo". And that looks like Zeljko Kalac. I walked inside and greeted my mates, and who's that sitting at the table next to them? Why it's Lucas Neill canoodling with his girlfriend. And over in the corner - "Bresciano Marco Bresciano, Bresciano he's a Socceroo" getting jiggy with his significant other. Cool. So I went out and shook Super Timmy Cahill's hand and told him how he really is Super Timmy Cahill, and then I left the others alone, because they looked like they wanted to be left alone. My mate went and got a photo with Kalac, and may even have wished him luck for the next game, the fool.

So, the big day. I had been promising all of my mates that the Aussies would turn The Gart gold, but I was way off the mark with that prediction. In one of The Gart's major department stores there is a little display for each country competing at the World Cup with some info including a stat for how many people from that country live in Stutters. Apparently 153 Aussies live there, and over 13 000 Croatians. Also, I heard that over 100 000 Croations live near Stuttgart, and just about every single one of them had at least nine family members visiting from Croatia for the World Cup. Fact. By my calculations that makes around one million Croatians compared to the, oooh let's be incredibly generous and say, 50 000 members of the green and gold army. Naturally we were hopelessly outnumbered. The Gart was red and white, with a splash of gold. Inside the fanfest before the game was slightly better, the red and white were left to their own devices outside, whilst the green and gold gathered in clumps. The atmosphere pre-game was very festive, with a soccer ball being booted with much delight high in the air from one part of the crowd to another. Babies in prams and the portaloos were the only things in obvious danger.

As for the game itself, what a rollercoaster ride. I have sensational footage of the penalty that we scored (you can hear someone saying "Get in, get in!" and then we go nuts when the net bulges), I could watch that a thousand times and never get bored (I think I must be getting close to triple figures now anyway). Zeljko Kalac was useless, the ref was even worse and the ending was atrocious. I filmed the last 90 seconds of the match, and I think we score a goal (crowd erupts) which is disallowed (crowd goes "oh"), we get a free kick (crowd claps), there might be a red card in there (crowd cheers) we think the game is over (crowd erupts) then maybe it isn't (what the ??!?!) then we think it is but aren't sure, so there's warm applause. Afterwards the Socceroos did a lap of honour, and they played the obligatory Aussie songs over the soundsystem. When the chorus of ACDC's TNT was played, 30 000 voices all in unison, in perfect timing, bellowed out "Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi!" and the whole stadium rung like a bell. The reverberations were astounding, and what had been a sports stadium was transformed into a golden living, breathing, yelling organism. After the match thousands of Aussies gathered outside the ground and sang and chanted for several hours. I think the cops were eventually called in to move them on (I had left after about an hour and a half).

Chantwatch:

to the tune of yellow submarine:
We all dream of a team of Timmy Cahills, a team of Timmy Cahills, a
team of Timmy Cahills.
We all dream of a team of Timmy Cahill's, a team of Timmy Cahills, a
team of Timmy Cahills.
Number one is Timmy Cahill, and number two is Timmy Cahill. Number
three is Timmy Cahill, and number four is Timmy Cahill.
We all dream of a . . . (etc)

to the tune of Go west:
You're shit, but your chicks are hot

You're red, you're white, you're going home tonight.

Can we play chess on your shirts?

There was another one about tea towels, but I can't remember it, sorry.


Famous people watch:
Well, the Socceroos, obviously.
George Negus - gave me an elated thumbs up after the game. Us media types like to stick together.
David Hasselhof - I had the opportunity to possibly go drinking with The Hof on Sunday eve in London, but I decided to watch Netherlands v Portugal. This is almost a 100% true story.


Stadium watch:
Well, The Gart is shit (for the view and acoustics), Munich is a great stadium but the transport there is shit, and the walk from the train station to the ground is a moonscape, it's a horrible way to approach such a splendid structure. Inside it is very impressive, but because of the tiers there are parts of the ground that are hidden from some spectators. My seat was practically on the field itself, so the noise wasn't as loud as that in The Slaut, which for my money is far and away the best stadium I have ever been to. With the centre of town turned green and gold for the day, and the walk from the old town up the alleyways to the stadium situated on a hill, it was a magnificent venue for a match. And the stadium itself is fantastic, very steep tiers, right up to the sidelines of the pitch. From every single seat the view is superb, and the noise was awe-inspiring, bouncing off the roof and echoing around the whole ground. Stuttgart was merely cacophonous - it was noisy, but it was simply very loud, almost deafening, white noise. The Slaut was defeaning but clear - when Super Timmy Cahill's winner went in the roar was tremendous.

I can only imagine the atmosphere in The Slaut before the Italy game, the noise during it, and the appalling quiet afterwards. You all saw the game. You all saw the incident in the 93rd minute. As one bloke next to me said, it looked as if he fell over a parked car. What a cruel way to end. After the farce that was Graham Poll, along comes a Spanish referee and spears Australia right through the heart. Neverapen.

My fame spreads

We played well, deserved a draw, Kewell should've scored but he's crap. With Guus in charge we won't lose to Croatia, so next round here we come. And if we avoid Italy (big if) I reckon we are a chance for the quarters. Hooray!
No doubt you'll all be pleased to hear I won't be able to go to any of the next round games, cos I don't have a ticket and I imagine prices would be skyhigh. I tried to get tickets to Netherlands v Ivory Coast in Stuttgart, but the going rate was €250, and for Spain v Tunisia it was €200. Sod that. I saw one bloke fork out about €500 or €600 for Oz v Brazil, and one of Tommy's mates paid the same for a ticket.

We got into Munich a few hours before the game, but the atmosphere was nowhere near as good as that in The Slaut. Maybe it was because the city is bigger, so the fans were more spread out, or because people were already at the ground. Or it could've been the calibre of opposition - I think at the last match all of the Aussies were just thrilled to have the oppurtunity to see such household names as Kawaguchi, Yanagisawa and Nakamura. But who do Brazil have? Two blokes called Ronald and one called Adrian. Another one calls himself Kak. I can understand why people weren't getting as excited as before. The trains to the ground were jam-packed, and the crush of people was like Japanese rush hour - for a brand new stadium I'm sure they could've had better arrangements.

The stadium is excellent though, we had seats in row 2 about 5 metres from the pitch - Roberto Carlos's woeful free kick in about the 10th minute slammed into the netting right in front of us. Harry Kewell missed an open goal from about 20m directly in front of me. If he had scored we would've gone mental. I've now seen six goals in two games, and every single one of them up the other bloody end, dammit! The Dukes better put one past the Croats down our end or I'll be very pissed off!

We couldn't hear the Brazilian fans up the other end for most of the game - they sang when they scored and that was about it. Hardly any drums or whistles at all. What's Portuguese for bandwagon? Or how about we come up with a new phrase - jumping on the Brazilwagon?

Before the game the songs at the stadium were mostly aussie - men at work, acdc, midnight oil. It was the same at The Slaut - a nice touch I thought. I can't remember hearing any Brazilian or Japanese tunes though.

Chantwatch:
two new beauties both aimed at fat-boy Ronaldo:

to the tune of Go West:
You're faaaat, and you know you are, you're faaaat and you know you are (repeat)

to the tune of Guantanamera:
One tonne Ronaldo, he weighs one tonne Ronaldo, he weighs one tonne Ronaldo, he weighs one tonne Ronaldo.

A guy from German radio (WDR1) obviously recognised me from my stint on Eurosport, and slyly cornered me after the game, and demanded an interview. So that night countless thousands of germans were forced to listen to me murder their language whilst crapping on about how well we played, how unlucky we were, and how we would celebrate that evening despite the loss. I just need my photo in the paper and I've got the trifecta. If this continues I'll have to get an agent soon.

I was also asked several times by supposed Brazil fans to swap shirts with them, but there's no way I'm parting with my Oz shirt - what on earth would I want with a Brazil shirt anyway?

When games have been in Stuttgart the atmosphere has been a bit better - the Swiss and French were a bit lame when they played though. The Spanish last night were good, but the best were by far the Dutch. They turned Stuttgart completely orange, it was brilliant. A Dutch brewery called Bavaria handed out thousands of free bright orange lederhosen to the fans. The only problem was when they got to the ground they were told to take them off, because it violated the sponsorship laws and Heineken weren't best pleased.

It's the Germany v Ecuador game this arvo, so I'm probably going to head into town and check it out.

Bring on the Croats, we will roll them, and then Thursday night is party night in Stuttgart - I predict no sleep for me again. If you are in town, feel free to join me.

Enjoy the cup, wherever you are!

Aus 3 - 1 Japan: YYYYEEEEEESSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!

Unbelievable! What a game!
We were absolutely dead and buried, I dunno what it looked like on TV, but the game had slowed right down, the crowd were getting aggro that the Aussies were shit, and it looked like a pathetic loss to a rubbish goal that shouldn't have been given. And then Super Timmy Cahill popped up for the equaliser - we went mental. After that everyone was just hoping to hang-on for a 1-1 draw, and Japan did look threatening for a few minutes, until Super Timmy Cahill's sensational strike from outside the box gave us the lead. In off both posts - when the back of the net rippled we erupted once more. An ocean of yellow was transformed into a roaring, surging mass of noise and joy. I was punching the air, shaking my fists, jumping up and down and yelling and shouting. The guy in front turned around and we celebrated together, although on reflection it was fairly lame. The noise was deafening and the sight of 20 000 gold-clad Aussies celebrating madly was unforgettable. Then when Aloisi scored the 3rd, we went beserk again. The guy in front and I were obviously thankful for the chance to improve on our celebrations, and we made a much better fist of it this time. My mate (John) and I hugged again, grins from ear to ear. I was hugging strangers and snogging random chicks.* Relief and unrestrained joy came out of every pair of lungs encased in a green and gold shirt. I think in those few minutes yesterday I used up a year's supply of endorphins. My only regret is that I couldn't be looking at the crowd from elsewhere, it must've been an amazing sight. I reckon Brazil must be shitting themselves now. If we can hit the back of the net three times in 8 mins, just imagine what we can do in the full 90 minutes. I predict a 17-2 victory for the Aussies (Brazil have a couple of half-decent players, so they're probably a chance to sneak a consolation goal or two towards the end, when we are 11-0 up). You heard it here first folks.

The stadium itself was fantastic, even though we had seats right up the back we still had a spectacular view, and the singing of the national anthem was spine-tingling stuff. Thankfully I didn't hear a single rendition of Aussie-Aussie-Aussie-Oi-Oi-Oi. In fact there were quite a few chants that I hadn't heard before. I have reproduced a few of them here, so you at home can sing along too. They are quite complicated, and are far in advance of what we have had before, but maybe with several hours practice you might start to pick them up.

Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole
Aus-sie, Aus-sie!
(repeat)

*clap clap*
*clap-clap-clap*
*clap-clap-clap-clap*
Aus-sie!
(repeat)

Auuuuuusss-traaaaa-liiiiii-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa *clap clap clap clap*
La-la-la-la-la-la-laaaaa *clap clap clap clap*
La-la-la-la-la-la-laaaaa *clap clap clap clap*
La-la-la-la-la-la-laaaaa *clap clap clap clap*
(repeat)

to the tune of Go West:
Stand up for the Socceroos, stand up for the Socceroos, stand up for
the Socceroos, stand up for the Socceroos!
(repeat)

Suu-per, super Tim
Suu-per, super Tim
Suu-per, super Tim
Super Timmy Cahill
(repeat)

Guus, Guus, Guus, Guus
(repeat)

Dukes, Dukes, Dukes, Dukes
(repeat)

As you can see, there is a lot of variety, and I pride myelf in being a good fan, and knowing the lyrics to all of them by heart.

In the lead-up to the match we were in Kaiserslautern (or The Slaut, as I like to call it) for a few hours and we managed to meet up with Tommy (a mate of mine with tickets to all the games as well). We also managed to meet up with tens of thousands of other aussies wearing the green and gold - yesterday Australia owned The Slaut. Every single corner of this town, every bar, every beer garden, every street, every park, every Burger King, every toilet, every everything, was full of Aussies. The Slaut was gold, a splash of green and plenty of blue Aussie flags. Fantastic. There were a few Japanese fans wandering about in their dark blue kit, and the atmosphere between the fans before kick-off was very jovial. Indeed after match it was still very good as well, but I do wonder what would've happened if we'd lost 1-0.

The German fans are out in force as well, which is actually a first for some time. Four years ago, even though they unepectedly made the final of the World Cup, people were still somewhat afraid to show much national pride - there were a few flags out, but there was still a stigma attached to it, there was still a prevalent attitude that anyone waving a German flag is a Nazi. Thankfully this world cup seems to have galvanised the whole nation - not only is everyone delighted to be hosting such an event, it seems that every German is now proud to be a German, for the first time in 60 years. The 20 - 30 year olds are leading the charge, people whose parents were mostly born after the war, and so are quite happy to be associated with Germany and national pride. Black, red and yellow adorn people, cars and buildings equally. Before the opening match the centre of Stuttgart was filled with Germans in white shirts waving German flags. It was an amazing sight. I watched the match in the local suburb where I am staying at a friend's place, which just happens to be the suburb where Juergen Klinsmann grew up. When Klansmann first appeared on screen there was rapturous applause. His Mum owns a bakery that we can see from my mate's kitchen window. Tourists keep dropping by to take photos. I think I might join them in a minute.

The flight over was boring and long, but I talked to a few guys who were going to the world cup. One bloke paid $300 for a ticket to Italy Czech Republic, and the guy next to me on the 12 hr flight paid $900 for Oz v Brazil and $1600 for an England game. He asked me how much I paid for my tickets, but I told him he didn't want to know. He also paid $12 000 for a month's accommodation in Germany. I didn't have the heart to tell him I had arranged free accommodation for five weeks. It was then that I began to have a sneaking suspicion that unlike me he didn't earn a living building a shed for his Dad. And I heard of someone else paying US$24 000 for two tickets to all semi-finals and one England game. Ridiculous.


Famous people watch:
Juergen Klinsmann's Mum - I bought a couple of Tafelbroetchens from her
Ray Martin - was being mobbed by a few fans after the match. I lobbed a huge gorbie in his direction, but I didn't get enough distance on it, so it missed**
Wayne Goninon - okay so he's not famous and he's just some guy I know, but he was sitting a few rows in front of me. I imagine he was quite suprised to see me considering the last time I saw him was a few months ago when he was talking about how he had tickets to all the matches, and I was looking all sad and depressed cos I didn't have any.
The Socceroos' goalie from 1974 (the last time we were at the world cup) - he was sitting in the row in front. I'm not quite sure if he qualifies as famous, but it makes the list look longer and more impressive, so he makes the cut.
me - yep, I'm now famous. I went to watch the England game in an Irish Pub, and Eurosport came in to do some interviews with some English fans, so they interviewed my mates, and we got on the telly. Naturally I have a tape of it and will be forcing all of you to watch it many times over. Although now that I'm famous I will probably be ditching all you non-famous insignificant scum, and I'll be hanging out and holidaying with my new-found fickle, snobbish and materialistic friends.***

Well, thanks for reading this far. But, uhhhh, I'm afraid I have some very bad news. I'm sorry to say it people, but you are probably going to hate me after reading this next bit. I think I will have to go into hiding for a few weeks whe I get back, for fear of reprisal attacks. Oh well. Read on. I've done quite a few classic trips, and had some fantastic holidays - Turkey, Tuscany, Croatia, Slovenia and Egypt are just a few that spring to mind. But this one beats them all, and rather easily too. Everything is perfect - especially the weather (it was shithouse recently, but since I got here 30 degrees plus has been the norm. Coincidence? Nope, I don't think so either), and the atmosphere in Stuttgart is superb - it is just one month long fancy dress party, and the whole world is invited. Only five days in, and I this is already the greatest trip ever. I can safely say I am living the dream. Yes, I am a very lucky guy.

Right, I'm off to town watch South Korea v Togo. Should be an absolute belter.

* May not be true
** May also not be true
*** okay, okay, this is blatantly not true.