Summer?

I’ve searched the net, scoured the encyclopaedia and quizzed the locals, and the resounding opinion is Yes, it’s summer over here in Germany. Hmmmm. The evidence suggests otherwise. Maybe someone secretly towed Germany too close to England a short time ago, cos it’s overcast, drizzly and cold. A couple of weeks ago it was 37°, 36°, 33°, 38° – and then a hailstorm out of nowhere, and then a massive thunderstorm straight out of King Lear – I have never seen anything like it. We were smack in the middle of it for more than two hours. Thunder shaking the whole house, lightning lighting up the room as if someone was taking photos. Not just ordinary photos, but important ones, the kind that need those big umbrella things to reflect the flash all around the place. Apparently that is not normal Stuttgart weather. And now it’s 14°. This is also not normal Stuttgart weather (allegedly). And what's the good news? This kind of weather can last for weeks. Jesus, if I wanted this sort of summer, I would have gone to England. This is just shithouse!

Germany win the world cup
Or at least you’d think so, judging by the people who took to the streets straight after the final whistle. Despite losing the final, Germans were still celebrating, and their cars were still driving up and down the roads with people leaning out of the windows waving their German flag and screaming. How many people in Oz do ya reckon have an Australian flag at home? I don’t mean a pissy little one, I mean a genuine big-arse flag, that you need to grip with both hands (oooh pardon!) to wave around? Not many I would imagine. Here in Germany, every house has one. And not just one – usually one for each parent, one for the kiddies to share, one to tie onto the bonnet, and one to either strategically strap to the dog, or affix in some other manner. They are flag crazy. When the Turks won, they also went driving around like maniacs – they too own many big flags. I even saw a South Korean car (albeit with smaller flags) driving around after they won their quarter final. Very nationalistic, those Germans. And Turks. And South Koreans.

And now, it’s time for . . . Amazing Facts About Germany! Ta-daa!
- In Germany Christmas trees are decorated by parents and aren't seen by children until Christmas Eve, when they are allowed to enter the Christmas room.
- The oldest bird fossil ever discovered was found in Germany.
- Neanderthal man was named after the Neander Valley near Dusseldorf.
- Most people in Germany do not drink tap water, preferring bottled mineral water instead. (Yeah, this is just stupid. I hate mineral water, and always have to ask for tap water, and everyone ALWAYS looks at me strangely. I can just tell they’re thinking “You’re Robinson Crusoe on that one, pal”. Not only that, but they love mixing mineral water with all sort of fruit juices – and they even enjoy half a pint of Fanta added to half a pint of Coke! Most odd. At least they make a damn fine sausage . . .)
- Instead of crossing their fingers to wish for good luck, Germans "press the thumb", by folding a thumb in and close their fingers on it. (I don’t get this one either, but it’s true. Some bloke asked me how to say it in English, and I had to inform him that it’s just a German thing, and not global)
- When leaving a lift, Germans say good-bye to the other people in it, even if they didn't speak to them during the ride. (I didn’t know that one. I better start saying it hey, lest I appear rude.)
- Gemany has the highest castles-per-capita of any country in the world*

A month or so after I started work, a Russian bloke started working here. His name is Wladislaw Wallner, although it looks silly the Ws are pronounced as Vs (crazy, I know). He sits sort of opposite me, and every now and then we exchange little silent pleasantries. Silent, because he only speaks Russian and German, and I of course only speak English. There is no crossing over of our language boundaries.

Or so it seemed. I have since discovered that he understands English and can speak a little. Also, my German is not totally non-existent anymore, so we can communicate, and if need be through an interpreter. I’m telling you this because of all the Ali G fans out there. If you don’t like Ali G, or you’ve never heard of him, then this next bit will not be amusing at all. But if youse 'ave, strap youse selves in, coz dis will be well wikkid. Booyakasha!

Wladislaw is from Kazakhstan. How friggin brilliant is that? Every day, I spend 8 hours sitting near a bloke from Kazakhstan!! Now that I know he’s from Kazahkstan, my head is bursting with all these questions:
Do you really shoot for bears for fun?
Are “A man who does not hunt is like a man with no bollocks”, “Woman who goes with book is like horse without saddle”, “A rat is not the same... like a big... horse” and “You find me woman with brain, I find you horse with wings” really Kazakhstanian proverbs?
Have you ever played cricket?
Does the government in Kazakhstan really instruct men to “only make love to the bottom” in order to stop children being born out of wedlock?
Is your brother called Borat?
Do you know anyone called Borat?
Is Borat a common Kazahkstani name?

Hmmm, I reckon I might put a few of these questions to him in the next coupla days. Or perhaps not.

I also learned that in the part of Russia that borders China, dog-theft is a major problem. It seems that due to the Chinese fondness for eating dog, they are wont to sneak over the border into Russia, steal dogs, and then cook ‘em up for a Sunday roast. Semmingly discerning no difference between pet and wild dogs, dog fry ups are a common occurrence in China. I can hear the phone calls now “Hey Shi-Ti Kant, grab Yay Wei Wan and get over to Ho Kan Suk’s quick smart – he’s caught an Alsatian!”

The area that I live in, Filderstadt, is famous for a type of vegetable that grows here - the Filderkraut (seriously!). I have it on good local authority that Filderstadt is one of the five most fertile places on earth. I have absolutely no idea if this is true or not, but I want to believe. A few times on various expeditions through Filderstadt at all hours of the night I’ve felt the need to relieve myself. Any veggies that happened to be growing there were natural targets (I always wonder if some bloke in Berlin tucking into a burger at some future point can taste a little extra tang. I certainly hope so.) So I have the enviable honour of having urinated on one of the Earth’s five most fertile lands. I’m hoping to visit the other four at some point as well, and claim them as my own too. Maybe the Tas Uni Law Faculty will turn out to be in the top five, so I’ll only have three left to do!


And I’m off to London in the middle of August to see the sights, and give the Arsenal lads a few tips on how to skin rabbits. I’m going to V2002 (a big music festival) while I’m there. Acts include Elvis Costello, Supergrass, Travis, CHEMICAL BROTHERS, Badly Drawn Boy, Turin Breaks, GOMEZ, THE DOVES, Primal Scream, Basement Jaxx, Groove Armada, Soft Cell and Elbow. Sadly Lex, there’s no mention of Captain Hollywood Project – I am most disappointed. But there are a couple of very shit acts I will be doing my utmost to avoid – Nickelback, Alannis Morrisette and Sugababes. Fuck knows what that lot are doing there – hopefully cleaning out the shitters at the end of the day, rather than playing any I-suppose-you-call-it “music”.

Respeck!

* May not be a fact